Finding out your boyfriend experimented with another man can leave you feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under you. Your mind is likely spinning with questions.
Why did he do it? What does it mean for your relationship? And how are you supposed to process feelings of shock, confusion, and even betrayal?
Take a deep breath. You’re not alone in this. Many women have faced a similar revelation about their partner’s sexuality.
While the path forward won’t be easy, clear communication and understanding can help you get through this together.
Why Your Boyfriend Experimented With A Man
Finding out your boyfriend was intimate with another man can leave you reeling. While it may be impossible to know his exact motivations, there are a few common explanations. Before reacting, try to understand what was likely going on internally for him.
1. He’s questioning his sexuality
Discovering your sexual orientation can be a long and winding process. Many people assume they are straight, only to realize later in life that they are bisexual or gay.
Perhaps your boyfriend had an inkling he might be attracted to men but never acted on it or entirely accepted it. Experimenting sexually with another man could have been his way of exploring these feelings and determining how he identifies.
Bisexuality is more common than many realize. Your boyfriend may be sexually and romantically attracted to both men and women to varying degrees. The same-sex experiment could have been his first time acknowledging and tapping into his attraction to men.
Or he may ultimately realize he is gay, not bisexual or straight. The revelation likely came as a surprise to him, too. Questioning oneself involves sorting through years of assumptions and societal messaging.
His experiment with another man likely has little to do with you or his feelings for you. It stems from his inner questioning of whether he might be bisexual, gay, or somewhere else on the sexual orientation spectrum.
Be patient with him as he processes this new information about his sexuality. Offer to listen without judgment. Avoid making assumptions – his sexual history and desires may be more complicated than you realize.
2. He was curious
Another possibility is that your boyfriend’s same-sex experiment was simply out of curiosity. Another guy may have caught his attention or flirted with him, sparking an interest to push his boundaries. Even straight men sometimes wonder what it would be like to be physical with other men.
At the moment, influenced by factors like alcohol, peer pressure, or the excitement of a new sexual relationship, your boyfriend may have acted on that curiosity on a whim.
After becoming intimate with another man, your boyfriend has some self-reflection to do. Give him time to process his feelings without making assumptions about his identity.
Understanding what exactly he felt and learned from the experience with someone of the same gender may also help him determine if he identifies as entirely heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or bi.
3. He wanted to test your reaction
There is also the possibility that your boyfriend made up the story about experimenting with another guy. He may have lied about it already happening to gauge your reaction and see how you would respond if he shared an interest in wanting to experiment with men.
If you became angry or reacted negatively, he could brush it off by saying he was joking around. But if you seemed open or understanding, that might give him the confidence to admit he does have some curiosity or interest in wanting to experiment with the same gender.
Essentially, telling you he experimented already eliminated some of the risk that comes from being honest about such desires. Based on your reaction, he can better assess if it is safe to open up about his interest in introducing some element of bisexuality into the relationship with someone.
If this is the case, assure your boyfriend that he can be honest with you. The revelation may have been alarming initially, but with open communication, you two can thoughtfully discuss what place, if any, experimentation has in your relationship.
First, give yourself time to process the information and understand your boundaries before continuing the dialogue. If he says he wants to pursue sexual or romantic relationships with men, you need to decide if you can accept that or if it is a dealbreaker.
What You Can Do When You Knew Your Boyfriend Experimented With A Men
Learning your boyfriend was intimate with a man understandably elicits emotions and questions. While the path forward is unclear, there are constructive things you can do for yourself as you process the revelation.
Give yourself time to process the news before reacting
This type of revelation is a lot to take in. Give yourself some time to sort through your thoughts and emotions before responding.
It’s understandable to feel hurt, confused, or blindsided. Once the initial shock settles, you’ll have a clearer mind to understand the situation with care and compassion.
Have an open and honest conversation with him about the experience
When you’re ready, have a conversation with your boyfriend to understand better what happened from his perspective.
Listen first, then kindly share how this makes you feel. Frame the conversation in ways that best meet both of your emotional needs.
Ask what insights he gained from experimenting and how he feels it might affect your relationship moving forward.
Discuss what boundaries and level of outside experimentation you both feel comfortable within the relationship. The goal is to promote openness, not make demands or pass judgment.
Decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or if you can move forward
Once you have all the information, you must do some soul-searching. Reflect on your own boundaries and relationship values to help guide your response.
Could you accept your partner experimenting outside the relationship? Do you need a strictly monogamous relationship to feel safe and connected?
For some, any breach of exclusivity may leave them unable to continue this relationship. For others, setting clear rules around outside exploration may leave the relationship intact.
Check-in with yourself about what you can or cannot handle. It’s also acceptable if you need time before making any definitive decision.
Set boundaries if you choose to stay together while he continues to explore his sexuality
If you want to keep the relationship going, discuss what clear boundaries will help maintain an overall sense of intimacy and priority in the partnership.
Perhaps you agree to a “don’t ask, don’t tell policy” around his outside experimentation. Or you establish rules about safe sex practices to protect both of your health. Keep communicating to ensure you feel safe and valued, even as his self-understanding evolves.
While challenging, some couples have successfully maintained an open policy around sexuality that works for their partnership. Stay attuned to any needs as they arise for both yourself and him.
Things Need To Discuss With Your Boyfriend About His Experimented With A Men While Being In Relationship With You
If you decide to have an open and honest dialogue about the revelation, some key things are essential to address. The conversation may be difficult, but covering these bases can help you both gain clarity.
Cheating is cheating no matter the gender
Regardless of whether it was a man or woman, your boyfriend was still intimate with someone else without your consent or knowledge. He broke the assumed monogamy of your relationship.
While questioning sexuality may provide context for his actions, it does not excuse the cheating itself. That is understandable and valid if his experimentation makes you feel betrayed or lose trust.
What his desires and intentions are regarding your relationship
Now is the time for your boyfriend to clarify precisely what he wants in the future regarding intimacy inside and outside of your relationship. Is he still committed to you? Does he need an open arrangement to explore his bisexual or gay desires?
This experience may signify a fork in the road where you two decide if staying partners while opening things up works or if separating is healthier.
Safety precautions if you decide to stay together
If you choose to stay together while he continues intimate activity outside your relationship, set clear ground rules around safety and sexual health to protect yourself.
Require full disclosure about additional partners, regular STD testing, and consistent, correct condom use during other encounters. You have to weigh potential risks versus benefits.
Your feelings about the situation
Most importantly, articulate your sincere emotions about the situation. Explain if your trust is broken, if intimacy will feel less remarkable between you two now, or if it pains you to visualize his encounters with men.
If specific rules would leave you feeling sad or insecure, be honest. Prioritize self-care first before any compromises to try to preserve the relationship.
Final Thoughts
Learning your boyfriend experimented with another man can shake the foundations you thought were solid. Give the news time to settle before reacting. When ready, have an open and thoughtful conversation about the experience.
Listen to understand his perspective and journey of self-discovery. Kindly share your feelings and hopes for the relationship. Decide together if this is a turning point or a dealbreaker. Any resolution should meet both people’s core needs.
If you choose to move forward, establish boundaries and check in frequently. For many, their partner engaging intimately outside the relationship, even with consent, still feels like a betrayal of trust. Honor what feels suitable for you.
If you’re struggling, speaking to a counselor or therapist could help guide your response and possibly address things that best support your dignity and well-being. With compassion on all sides, even seismic revelations can be managed.
