You love your girlfriend profoundly but can’t stop thinking about her past hookups. You get a knot in your stomach whenever she brings up an old fling.
You feel angry, sad, and jealous all at once. This feeling is sometimes called “retroactive jealousy.” You know it’s unfair, but you can’t help it.
There are ways to handle these feelings of jealousy. This article outlines the main reasons her past may upset you and tips for dealing with jealousy healthily.
With some effort, you can overcome your retroactive jealousy. Your relationship’s future happiness depends on letting go of the past baggage.
Reasons For Jealousy Of Your Girlfriend’s Past Hookups
1. You Compare Yourself to Her Exes
Jealousy in a relationship often starts when you compare yourself to your current partner’s previous relationships. You might not feel like you measure up in looks, status, sexual chemistry, or some other area. This can move past simple jealousy into damaging self-worth.
What to do is be non-judgmental about her sexual past and focus on what you two share now. Don’t let negative thoughts about previous relationships cloud your retroactive jealousy in this new connection.
2. You Have Double Standards
You have likely judged your own exes harshly too. But with this new girlfriend, you feel hurt when she talks about her past guys. You act in ways now that you didn’t let partners get upset over before.
Make sure she is not making you feel bad on purpose. If she is respecting your feelings, then this difficult emotion comes from within yourself. Make sure you aren’t being extra hard on her past just because it’s her. Look out for yourself judging her harder than you would want to be judged.
3. You Fear Losing Her
A lot of jealousy about your partner’s sexual past comes from fear. You’re afraid that her past relationships mean you can’t measure up.
Or if you’re feeling threatened, she might return to a previous partner. This jealousy may come from struggling with feelings that she’s more sexually experienced or will get bored of you.
You should boost your self-esteem and have open conversations with your current partner. This will help you stop jealousy when she brings up exes you feel threatened by.
4. You Feel Left Out
Hearing your partner talk casually about past hookups can make you feel left out. It’s a reminder of the fun times she had without you that you didn’t get to experience.
This can lead to jealous feelings and even acting in ways you usually wouldn’t due to fear of missing out. What you should do is focus on making new special memories together.
What To Do For Getting Over Your Girlfriend’s Past Hookups
Talk to her respectfully
Having an open and judgment-free conversation with your partner can help relieve feelings of jealousy about her previous sexual relationships.
Discuss your feelings honestly and ask your partner to support you. Just be very careful not to end the relationship over something in her past she can’t change.
Seek counseling for insecurities
If you’re struggling with difficult emotions of jealousy, seeking help from a therapist to help you work through these interpersonal issues is wise.
An experienced therapist can give you tools to handle insecurities and work through jealousy in healthy ways that make you feel good about yourself and your relationship.
Focus on building a happy future
Discuss your feelings as needed, then look ahead to all the happiness you will build in the coming years. Remind yourself every time jealousy creeps up that you have so much joy together yet to experience.
Final Thoughts
Open communication is vital if you’re experiencing retroactive jealousy over your partner’s past. Let them know it’s essential for your relationship to succeed.
If you struggle feeling insecure about their history, talk to a counselor. A therapist can help you manage fears of infidelity or insecurity.
Staying stuck in a partner’s past relationships without talking to a therapist damages your present. Choose to build a happy future together instead.
