Have you ever wondered why some guys stay in touch with their ex-girlfriends? I know I have. When it happens, it can leave you feeling confused, hurt, or even suspicious about his intentions.
As someone who has been in this situation before, I wanted to understand the possible reasons. After talking to friends who have dealt with similar things and doing some research, I learned there are several common motivations for guys maintaining contact with their exes after a breakup.
In this article, I’ll describe the most typical reasons a guy might stay in touch with an ex-girlfriend. I’ll also share some tips on addressing it if this is happening in your relationship.
Some guys want to stay friends with an ex, while others want to rekindle the romantic connection. In some cases, exes become friends with benefits. Others may have more dubious motivations, like wanting to exert control or cause hurt.
The healthiest relationships require trust and mutual respect. Understanding why your guy feels compelled to stay in touch with his ex can help you communicate your feelings and decide how to move forward. My goal is to help you make sense of a confusing situation.
Reasons Why Guys Stay in Touch With Their Exes
1. They still have feelings
One of the most common reasons a guy stays connected to an ex is that he still has feelings for her. Though the relationship ended, his feelings didn’t just switch off. He keeps in touch, hoping those emotions might be reignited down the road.
Maybe the breakup was a rash decision he now regrets. He thinks ending things was a mistake. Even if his ex has moved on, he hopes she’ll change her mind. He keeps the connection alive, waiting for a chance to rekindle the romance.
Of course, clinging to an ex this way isn’t fair to anyone new he might be dating. If he’s pining for someone else while in a relationship, it undermines the bond with his current partner. His lingering attachment prevents him from being fully present.
2. They want to get back together
Closely related is when a guy stays in contact because he’s actively trying to get back together with his ex. Unlike gradually rekindling feelings, he’s immediately trying to resume the relationship.
In this case, he likely resisted the breakup from the start. His ex was the one who insisted on ending things, though that’s not what he wanted. He maintains contact in hopes she’ll have a change of heart.
This situation puts him in a position of waiting in limbo, potentially for years, all while hoping to reconcile. If he starts a new relationship, it’s unfair, since his heart is still attached to his ex. He may think persistence will pay off, but it often just strains current relationships.
3. They are unhappy in their current relationship
Sometimes, a guy who stays in touch with an ex is unhappy in his present relationship. Reconnecting with a former girlfriend feels familiar and comforting compared to his current situation.
Rather than work on his current relationship, seeking refuge in the past is easier. He clings to positive memories with his ex to escape unhappiness.
This avoidance of the present can stem from two sources:
First, his new relationship may be incompatible, with irreconcilable differences. In that case, he should be honest rather than stuck in an unhealthy dynamic.
Second, he may still love his ex, regardless of any new partner. Dating someone while still longing for someone else is unfair to all. He needs to sort out his true feelings.
4. They stayed friends after the breakup
Exes can sometimes transition smoothly into a platonic friendship after the romance ends. The emotional intimacy converts into comfortable companionship.
If the split was amicable and they bonded as friends before dating, this friendship can often survive the breakup. The long history as buddies is too meaningful to toss aside just because the romantic aspect ended.
This works best if the breakup conversation is open and honest. If they can communicate what went wrong, they will more likely salvage the friendship. If both parties are okay with it, an ex-friendship can be rewarding.
5. They miss the companionship
Even after a breakup, missing the companionship you shared with someone is common. The little day-to-day interactions, inside jokes, comfort, and support leave a void.
A guy may stay in contact with an ex simply because he misses having her in his life. The romantic relationship may be over, but he still craves the friendship and rapport they built.
He may find himself reminiscing about their good times as a couple. He longs for that familiarity and intimacy. Reaching out helps alleviate the loneliness, at least temporarily.
Of course, this one-sided pining can be unhealthy. His ex may have already moved on and wants distance. Spending too much time lost in the past prevents truly living in the present.
6. They are friends with benefits
In some situations, exes transition into a casual, physical arrangement after breaking up – also known as friends with benefits.
They may have parted ways due to irreconcilable differences that doomed the relationship. But the physical chemistry remains appealing for both.
So they become exclusive friends who hook up periodically, with no romantic strings attached. They enjoy the physical intimacy they’re used to, without dealing with the relationship issues that drove them apart.
This can work if both parties are genuinely okay with it. Problems crop up if one catches stronger feelings or is dating other people who aren’t comfortable with the idea of staying in touch with his ex-girlfriend. Open communication helps avoid hurt.
7. They work together
Exes often continue to cross paths because they share a workplace. They see each other daily and have to collaborate, whether the breakup is cordial or messy.
Remaining professional is a must in situations like this. Personal feelings need to be set aside for the sake of productivity. Even if there’s hatred, they must find ways to work together effectively.
The bright side is that a shared workspace can force exes to mend fences. They have to communicate and cooperate, which may lead to them overcoming negative feelings. The neutral setting can help them become friendly again if they’re mature.
8. They share the same friend group
It’s also common for exes to have the same circle of friends. Social ties don’t just evaporate because of a breakup.
Exes often have to learn to coexist in tight-knit groups for the crew’s sake. For example, Ross and Rachel from Friends had to strike a balance after their split to avoid fracturing the group.
At first, being around each other may be uncomfortable and awkward. But focusing on the shared bonds of friendship helps exes adapt. They may become sincere friends again after adjusting to the transition.
Having a social circle in common provides a bridge. It gives exes a reason to be cordial and allows friendships to be rebuilt overtime on a new footing.
9. He wants to know what she’s up to
Sometimes, a guy stays connected to an ex because he feels compelled to keep tabs on her actions.
This often stems from competitiveness within the past relationship. Even after splitting, he still feels driven to one-up her career, relationships, and lifestyle – he wants to be “winning” in life.
So he’ll keep engaging her on social media, maintaining text rapport, and meeting up sporadically. He’s collecting intel so he can compare himself and try to stay a step ahead.
Of course, this adversarial dynamic is unhealthy. A relationship shouldn’t be about jockeying for the top position. And monitoring an ex’s activities can cross over into obsession. He needs to refocus on his fulfillment.
10. He feels he still “owns” her
On the darker side, some toxic ex-boyfriends maintain contact because they still feel a sense of possession over their ex-girlfriend.
This type of guy will try to control his ex’s choices and behavior even after the relationship ends. He acts entitled to dictate the path of her life.
He may stalk her online activity, show up unannounced, or subtly threaten her new relationships. His harassment is about wanting ongoing power more than any care for her well-being.
Unfortunately, entirely cutting contact may be the only way for her to regain autonomy. This unhealthy attachment stems from his insecurities and needs for control, not love.
11. They bonded intellectually
Some connections go beyond the physical and emotional to a deep intellectual rapport. A couple may break up for logistical reasons while still cherishing their cerebral chemistry.
In cases like this, exes often stay in touch to enjoy stimulating conversations, shared interests, and complementary perspectives.
They may have connected around books, films, art, politics, travel, or ideas that resonated powerfully. This mental match is too rewarding to abandon over a romantic split.
Of course, new partners need to be okay with this type of engagement. If the exchanges are transparent and platonic, an intellectual friendship can enrich their lives. If handled maturely, brains can trump baggage.
12. He wants to torment her
In the most toxic scenario, a disturbed ex-boyfriend may keep contacting his ex to provoke and upset her.
For people with abusive tendencies, they enjoy maintaining power and inflicting pain. Messing with their ex’s mind and emotions gives a narcissistic rush.
This guy will play manipulative games by sending random old love notes and ignoring her replies. He pops up on social media to taunt and degrade her new relationship. Any response fuels his ego.
Cutting off all contact is the best way out. This type is not worth even a minute’s more pain. His harassment stems from a dark desire to dominate, not any residue of real care or connection. She owes him nothing.
12 Ways To Deal When Your Guy Stays in Touch With His Ex
If you find yourself bothered that your guy is still in touch with his ex, there are productive ways to address the situation.
1. Communicate your feelings calmly
If you’re bothered that your boyfriend stays connected to an ex, have an open and honest conversation about it. Avoid ultimatums. Instead, explain your feelings from a place of vulnerability.
You can say something like, “It makes me uncomfortable when you talk to your ex. I worry I can’t compare to your history with her.” Or “I feel anxious that you’re hiding something. Can we talk through this?”
Approaching it as your own insecurity and desire to understand can prevent him from becoming defensive. You want to express your worries, not attack him. The goal is to gain insight into why he maintains the connection.
2. Request to meet her
Asking to meet his ex can reveal a lot. Gauge his reaction to this request. If he has nothing to hide, he may happily introduce you.
Meeting her helps you pick up on their vibe and chemistry. Observe how they interact. Do they seem platonic or lingeringly romantic? Does she act territorial or indifferent toward you?
There are risks here too. She may not be excited to meet the new girlfriend unless they’re truly just friends. If your request makes him refuse outright, that’s its own red flag that he’s wary of you assessing the dynamic.
3. Try to join his friend group
Getting to know his broader social circle creates other windows into his relationship with his ex. Integrating yourself provides opportunities to ask friends for insight and witness their dynamic firsthand.
Bonding with his friends makes them more likely to open up honestly about his motives. Just beware of coming off as obviously jealous or prying. Position your interest in a way that reads as just trying to get to know him better.
And if his ex is part of the group, observe their interactions up close. But avoid seeming like a watchdog. As long as things seem above board, gradually build real friendships.
4. Confront him if he’s cheating
If you uncover definitive proof he’s cheating with his ex – whether physically or emotionally – you have to confront him.
Rather than attacking, stay calm and say, “I know about you and ___. This relationship can’t continue under these conditions.” Let your cool confidence speak for itself.
There’s no justification for his actions. Now your focus becomes emotional self-protection and limiting further hurt. Even if he tries denying it, stay strong, knowing your own worth.
5. Reconnect with an ex yourself
You can send the message back if he refuses to curb contact with his ex. Reach out to a harmless ex of yours just for coffee or a chat.
Seeing you with an ex may inspire empathy about how this feels. But avoid choosing a toxic or vindictive ex just for revenge. It’s about making a point, not stooping to the same level.
6. Invite her over to observe their dynamic
Invite his ex-partner for a friendly meet up – maybe coffee or lunch. Get to know her yourself and observe how they interact in front of you.
Watch their body language. Do they make intimate eye contact or inside jokes? Or do they seem chill and platonic?
This can reveal whether residual flirtation still simmers under the surface when you’re not around. Just act natural, not like you’re spying.
7. Accompany him when they meet up
When your boyfriend makes plans to see his ex, ask if you can come along. Frame it in an upbeat, drama-free way.
Attending their meetups enables you to pick up on their vibe. Do they act differently with you there compared to when alone? Watch their body language for any red flags.
If he refuses to let you join, that indicates they likely have things to hide. He should be okay with you tagging along if everything is on the up and up between them.
8. Ask his friends for insight
Confide in his friends for a deeper perspective. Say you feel troubled by his ongoing closeness with his ex. Ask if they see any causes for concern.
Hopefully, his friends will level with you honestly if they think something sketchy is going on. Just avoid seeming accusatory or paranoid. Make it about wanting to understand him better.
If his friends clam up, however, that suggests they’re wary of fueling drama. Tread carefully about probing too much without hard proof.
9. Speak with her directly
If trust issues linger, have a woman-to-woman talk with his ex. Tell her you’re uncomfortable with their frequent contact and want to understand their dynamic.
Gauge whether she seems trustworthy and above board. Does her body language grow tense or evasive at certain questions? Try to read between the lines.
Ideally, she’ll reassure you their friendship is 100% platonic. But if your gut says otherwise, listen to it. Always trust your instincts when someone’s words and actions misalign. You deserve to find happiness with someone who prioritizes you.
10. Try to be a better friend than her
Look at the positive role his ex plays as his friend. Then try to be an even better friend yourself.
If she’s an eager listener, make sure you’re fully present when he opens up. Cook his favorite meal after a bad day. Send him songs that made you think of him.
When you fill the friend role – and more – in his life, he’ll naturally gravitate away from his ex for companionship. Beat her at her own game.
11. Spend more time together
Redirect his attention by planning more quality time together as a couple. Take weekend trips, have weekly date nights, and cuddle up watching movies.
When you two focus on bonding through shared activities, he’ll have fewer occasions to chat with his ex. Fill his schedule with fun plans, and the contact will organically taper off.
12. Consider breaking up
If all else fails, you may need to exit a relationship that can’t meet your needs. His connection with his ex reveals where his priorities lie.
As painful as it is, walking away is better than sinking more time into someone who doesn’t value you above past relationships. You deserve a guy who treats you as number one. Never lose sight of your self-worth!
Final Thoughts
There are many potential motivations for a boyfriend still talking to his ex. If this makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s important to communicate your feelings openly.
Try to understand why he stays in touch with his ex before deciding how to move forward. With mutual trust and respect, you can find healthy ways to set boundaries. But your comfort comes first – you deserve to have your needs met in a relationship.
If he continues contacting his ex against your wishes, it may signify bigger issues of priority and commitment. You have the power to find fulfillment with someone who treasures you.
